Is there power in negative thinking?

I am 4 days away from my Beta and today is the first day, I feel physically good. Which makes me mentally a mess. My cramps are gone, my boobs are only semi soar, and I am not as tired as I was yesterday.. I am just feeling unbelievably negative and this is depressing me so much. I now don’t want Sunday to come. Mentally I thought I would be able to handle this, but is just isn’t going to be. And to have to wait 4 weeks for a follow-up, that is another cycle going by. It just seems like way to many years away.
And I am not feeling so great about my frozen blasts. Day of transfer, we had 24 left over, but only 8 made it to freeze. That makes me think the 2 they put in were a real guess on the quality. Its like no different then a 3 day. I am just feeling hopeless

The Power of Positive Thinking

So Friday we transferred 2 pretty perfect looking blastocysts. I mean they were like textbook. The whole experience was pretty under whelming. The full bladder and peeing into a bedpan was the highlight of it all. Oh and that I had 24 blastocysts left to freeze. That’s just insane.

I feel better physically. I think I am finally over the OHS symptoms. I was having a really hard time breathing, but that seems to have passed. I have a lot of cramps, which makes me feel like I am getting my period and puts me into a depression. I had lots of pms like cramping during my other short-lived pregnancy, but that was after a relatively normal time. I stared having PMS day 2 after transfer. I doubt it has anything to do with implantation.

Testing is on Sunday. I will wait. I can’t believe it, but I think I can do it. I am just feeling kinda blah. The thing that is driving me nuts is if this doesn’t work I have to wait 3-4 weeks before I even have my follow-up appointment. That is going to kill me. Every step of this process is a huge hurdle to overcome and we remarkable made it past all of them. So for it to all fail, just seems so hopeless. This whole thing feels like a crapshoot and unfortunately the first time I ever rolled dice in craps, I crapped out. Odds are not on my side here.

Blast Off!

We are set for the 5 day transfer. All the nurse said to me was "it must be looking good if you are going to blastocyst". No info on how many I have, grades, nothing. So tomorrow I am going in unspoiled. I hate not knowing what is going on.

On another note I've been doing a lot of reading on stem cell research, blastocysts, etc... I've come accross some really interesting point of views. The one that I love (dripping with sarcasm) is an article I read from a Father Tad Pacholczyk. Pretty much condems me to hell for IVF.

Now Sweet Cheeks and I were both raised Catholic and I'll admit as a child I believed in the whole conception at fertilization. But I grew up. I grew up to realize the Roman Catholic Church,though surrounded by tradition and faith, is also run by men. Here is the interesting part of this artilcle. The Church doesn't necessary find IVF immoral because the of the frozen or discarded embryo issue. Its the making of life outside of the "marital bed" so to speak that is the sin.

As in the quote: " Is it not reasonable and right to insist, as the Church does, that new human life should be the fruit of married love, carried out through bodily self-giving between spouses, this act which allows each partner to enrich the other with the total gift of himself or herself?"

Let me tell you something, anyone going through IVF with their spouse or partner can be sure to guarantee that this child is being created out of love. There is nothing but LOVE that is going into this. My love for Sweet Cheeks and the way I feel like we are truely partners, for the very first time is unbelievalbe. I honestly know whatever the outcome will be, that the two of us will be OK. The baby making sex in my "marital bed" was just us much procedure as the IVF.

I've also read on other message boards about this whole its "God's Will" who he allows to have a child. As someone who has faith and what I believe a personal and good relationship with God, I will never ever believe that it is God's Will for Cheeks and I not have a child. Just like I will never believe it is God's Will to allow a 14 year old girl to give birth in a bathroom stall then dump the baby in the trash. And the whole children are a gift... of course they are. But the brains and imagination God gave us are gifts too. And it was those brains and imagination that has allowed over 200,000 children to be born via IVF.

Now that I am off my pedistal, the good news is the RCC won't hold the innocent baby responsible for their parents sins... that was a close one, cause I was sweating (NOT)

That's a lot of eggs!

Yesterday was retrival day. Went well and fast. I was in a bit of pain after. I can usually take pain, but it was pretty bad, even after my D&C the pain wasn't as bad. Anyway they retrieved, drum role please...........42 friggen eggs. Yeah that can't be normal. No one but me seems to be worried that I am hyperstimulating. As of today, I still feel bloated and crampy, but I am peeing a lot (which I know is good). I don't feel as if I am too bloated, but the cramps are what is really bothering me. I feel as if I should be back to normal. Thanks God I had off today.

So out of those 42, they were able to ICSI 36 and right now I have 30 "normal" embroys. I don't know what they mean by normal. I want to be excited, but how can these be good quality. I can't believe that. All the reading I've done says this isn't a good thing. My estorgen at time of retrival was a 5000, so that is a sign of OHS. I am worried. All of this for nothing. I just hope that we have some good ones in there. 30 just can't be normal. Then again imagine if I never have to do this again :)

Beating the crap out of Hope!

Sunday is the day. I’ve only been stimming since Friday, isn’t this so quick? Anyway I’ve been taken off the Follistim. Tonight it just the Lupron and 75 until of low dose HCG. I am coasting. I have like a zillion Follicles. I tried to count, but it was just too much. I heard lots of 14s, 15, 16, 18, and a 19 in there. I’ve been to the Dr. everyday since Weds. and back again tomorrow. Estimating I will Trigger on Friday, for Sunday retrieval. Estrogen is 3300.17, 9MM uterine lining. With all of this, I have no friggen idea what the heck is going on. I am told all it looking good. I can’t find a damn thing on Google. I feel like you can pop my stomach. Thanks God for low-rise pants. Before I miscarried, by BF bought me a belly band for my pants. I am seriously thinking of throwing that sucker on.

It has been easy, really. Which is why it’s not going to work. I realize this is just the first of many hurdles, so I should feel better something along the way will get screwed up. But it was really easy to get here and then my hope starts to creep up. And I need to kick its ass. So doubt and paranoia start in and then there is a battle royal in my head and I really don’t want hope to win.

Sandbags and Headaches

I feel like I am carrying around 2 sandbags called my overies. At yesterdays appointment, I still have the 31 follicules, but my estrogen was at 900. I have no idea what this means, but I was told I was going too fast, so they are slowing me down. So now I am taking 75 units of Follistim once in the am and once in the pm. This was cut in half from the 300 total per day.

The follicules are still small, so they said that was OK. I am not sure if I should start getting nervous about overstimulating. I asked the nurse if I had too many follicules etc.. she told me not to worry you'll only retrieve about 3 eggs or so.. What? Don't worry... only 3 eggs. I have 31 friggen follicules. Then I decided she doesn't know what the hell she is talking about.
And strangely felt better.

I have really bad headaches that make me miserable, but that seems to be the worst of it. Cheeks has been great with the shots. They really are no big deal. You never believe that until you are taking them.

Now it begins...

Nothing exciting, but for myself to keep track
Est. levels 64.8
Projestrone= 0.4
FSH= 3.9 (which is different then the 6, but I am on day 5 so maybe that is why it changed)

Anyway all good to go
Tonight its 300 Follistim, 5 Lurpon, 30 low dose HSG

Back to the Dr. on 1/8. I have to give myself a shot of Follistim that morning and also one at night withitn 12 - 14 hours. That really screws up my day, as days I go for blood/ultrasound, I leave my house around 5:45 am and I am not home from work until 7:30pm.. cutting it very very close.

2007 what do you have to offer?

See Ya 2006… by the way 2004 sucked, 2005 not so great, 2006 crappiest year ever! Can I get a break now?

I am also a year older. Don’t feel much different, except if you had asked me on my wedding day 3 ½ years ago what my 32nd year of life would be like, I could guarantee I would have said, trying for baby #2.

So I’ve been doing the Lupron for 10 days now. I am waiting to hear from the nurse on how much to start my Follistim. Tonight hopefully I will take 3 shots, the lovely follistim pen, some HSG, and Lupron. I have to admit I haven’t done a shot to myself yet, I am not sure I can do it. The Lupron has been cake; husband should have gone into medicine… I am just too chicken. Really I can’t blow my hair dry straight; you can’t expect me to do the whole 90 degree angle into my tummy.

I haven’t had any side effects; except for the very new killer headaches I started to get yesterday. I also returned to work yesterday, after being off for a week and a half, so not sure if it’s the Lupron or work. I am going to blame the Lupron as it gets me more sympathy.

In my ultrasound the Dr. said everything looked good. I had 31 follicles. I have no idea if that is good or bad or normal. I guess its good for now. But really what good is a follicle without an egg inside!