Cold Comfort
I never really had to deal with much tragedy in my life. The scariest thing that has ever happened to me personally was my mom getting breast cancer, which she was able to beat and which I was confident she would. With the loss of the twins, I strangely held myself together. I wasn’t hysterical, I didn’t really cry, I mean I did, but usually alone or with Cheeks. I didn’t lose the second baby until 4 days later and I felt if I were positive and calm everything would be all right. So I stayed calm and for the most part my support system kept me going. Not until I was home for a few days, did I finally freak the hell out. But I did it alone.
I find myself mostly in the position of comforting other people in their grief over my grief. My MIL is a perfect example of this. A wonderful, loving person, but her grief was too much for me to take. The minute she walked into the hospital, I could see it on her face. And she tried not to cry, she tried to hold it together, but I couldn’t’ take the look on her face. Then there is my mom, who again, I am so lucky to have. She was a bit better; she could at least distract me by playing cards or watching soaps. But whenever a doc would come in, her face would give away her fear. She was so afraid. So I found myself comforting them. Telling them it would be OK. Telling them Cheeks and I will survive… Now they didn’t ask me to do this, I just did and its not because I am some comforting person, I think I usually suck at comfort. I think I just didn’t want anyone to feel bad for me, it made me uncomfortable. So I in turn, let them off the hook.
In the hospital, 8 hours after I lost baby #2, a priest came to visit me. He wanted to give me communion and congratulate me on giving birth (the hospital put a code on the door to let people know their was a loss). I uncomfortably had to tell him, the unfortunate turn of events. Not sure if he was in shock or embarrassed or stupid, but he just stared blankly at me and went silent. A very slow and painful minute passed, when I finally had to tell him, “its all right”, “we will be ok”, “don’t worry about us”. This is the mantra I say to those who I give comfort to for my loss. I hope they believe me, because I don’t believe a word of it.
I find myself mostly in the position of comforting other people in their grief over my grief. My MIL is a perfect example of this. A wonderful, loving person, but her grief was too much for me to take. The minute she walked into the hospital, I could see it on her face. And she tried not to cry, she tried to hold it together, but I couldn’t’ take the look on her face. Then there is my mom, who again, I am so lucky to have. She was a bit better; she could at least distract me by playing cards or watching soaps. But whenever a doc would come in, her face would give away her fear. She was so afraid. So I found myself comforting them. Telling them it would be OK. Telling them Cheeks and I will survive… Now they didn’t ask me to do this, I just did and its not because I am some comforting person, I think I usually suck at comfort. I think I just didn’t want anyone to feel bad for me, it made me uncomfortable. So I in turn, let them off the hook.
In the hospital, 8 hours after I lost baby #2, a priest came to visit me. He wanted to give me communion and congratulate me on giving birth (the hospital put a code on the door to let people know their was a loss). I uncomfortably had to tell him, the unfortunate turn of events. Not sure if he was in shock or embarrassed or stupid, but he just stared blankly at me and went silent. A very slow and painful minute passed, when I finally had to tell him, “its all right”, “we will be ok”, “don’t worry about us”. This is the mantra I say to those who I give comfort to for my loss. I hope they believe me, because I don’t believe a word of it.
posted by Squirt at 2:29 PM
3 Comments:
They HAVE to believe you...they are powerless to do anything else and it is too painful for them to imagine that you won't be ok. Just remember to please take care of yourself. And if that means NOT saying that you're ok, then that's fine. Other people will just have to deal with the harsh realities.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find peace and healing in your own time.
And thank you for the comment on my blog. I appreciate each and every one. And no, I don't think it's crazy to wonder about the "blessed" around us. What did we do so wrong to deserve fewer blessings than those people? Nothing. I've come to believe it is because there is no such thing as blessings. Those are just concepts we have invented to make ourselves feel less guilty about what we do have...as if we deserve all the good things when I suspect the truth is that it's all just dumb luck and none of us deserve anything...good or bad.
{{{hugs}}}
Just found your blog today. I am so sorry for your loses. Please be kind to yourself. There are others here who understand. Big hugs to you.
Hi, just found your blog on the directory. I feel the same way with certain people, like it have to counsel them in their grief for MY grief. Good grief! I'm sorry for your losses and I hope you can continue to make peace with it and cope as best as is possible.
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