There's crying in baseball when you're with me!
Last night the husband and I went to The Met game. Cheeks is a fanatical sports fan, with baseball being his favorite. Looking around, there were lots of small children with their Father’s, clutching baseball mitts and wearing oversized hats on their heads. My heart broke in a million pieces for Cheeks. I could easily imagine him with our children, teaching them, getting excited with them and sharing his love for the sport. Realizing that our two girls were never going to experience their father in this moment killed me. I felt very sad for him.
As we were leaving the game, I asked Cheeks about it.
Me: Does seeing these kids with their dad’s make you sad?
Him: Nope.
Me: OK, what does make you sad (referring to our daughters here)?
Him: Carlos Beltran pulling a muscle and missing the next few games
OK, now many people have told me, that men take this stuff differently. With all that we went through, I’ve never talked to Cheeks about his feeling. He went straight into taking care of me mode, so his sadness and all of that got pushed aside. So here I am trying to give him a chance to share and I get nothing. I realize I sprung this on him, since I was “sad for him” it was probably all about me, but still...
Anyway we get into a “discussion” where he tells me he doesn’t really get sad about the twins. He was in the moment, but he moved on. Every once in awhile when crap doesn’t’ go right, he gets angry, but never gets sad. Here I was thinking that Cheeks and I were going through the same pain, me being a woman expressing things differently, him keeping it bottled up for my protection etc… But in reality my husband has truly moved on. I felt very alone in that moment. And I know people will say again, men are just different, but honestly, I just don’t think he is in any pain over this. Bitter maybe, worried about me, pissed off sometimes, but in general he has mourned and its over. I am not angry with him or anything like that, but I thought we were in this together. I now feel that it’s just me. I do realize in my “mind” that I will eventually get to the same place as him, I will have moved on (I so hate that phrase), but I just can’t see this happening for a very long time. And here my husband only 9 weeks later and Carlos Beltran is the only thing that makes him sad. Is he just a stronger person?
As we were leaving the game, I asked Cheeks about it.
Me: Does seeing these kids with their dad’s make you sad?
Him: Nope.
Me: OK, what does make you sad (referring to our daughters here)?
Him: Carlos Beltran pulling a muscle and missing the next few games
OK, now many people have told me, that men take this stuff differently. With all that we went through, I’ve never talked to Cheeks about his feeling. He went straight into taking care of me mode, so his sadness and all of that got pushed aside. So here I am trying to give him a chance to share and I get nothing. I realize I sprung this on him, since I was “sad for him” it was probably all about me, but still...
Anyway we get into a “discussion” where he tells me he doesn’t really get sad about the twins. He was in the moment, but he moved on. Every once in awhile when crap doesn’t’ go right, he gets angry, but never gets sad. Here I was thinking that Cheeks and I were going through the same pain, me being a woman expressing things differently, him keeping it bottled up for my protection etc… But in reality my husband has truly moved on. I felt very alone in that moment. And I know people will say again, men are just different, but honestly, I just don’t think he is in any pain over this. Bitter maybe, worried about me, pissed off sometimes, but in general he has mourned and its over. I am not angry with him or anything like that, but I thought we were in this together. I now feel that it’s just me. I do realize in my “mind” that I will eventually get to the same place as him, I will have moved on (I so hate that phrase), but I just can’t see this happening for a very long time. And here my husband only 9 weeks later and Carlos Beltran is the only thing that makes him sad. Is he just a stronger person?
posted by Squirt at 7:22 AM
4 Comments:
My husband has similar reactions. He says every now and then he'll have a bad day, but mostly he can't hang on and has moved onto the future. I think it is also different for them because they didn't carry and get to know the babies as we do in the womb.
When I ask him if it pains him to see other babies and whatnot, he says, "no, because they are not mine"
*hugs*
My husband told me that it wasn't even real for him until he SAW Alex with his own eyes. I wonder what he thought was in there for 35 weeks. But really, it IS different for them because they don't "bond" like we do as mothers. So the grief has got to be different. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
Ditto on the two previous posters. Men just have a harder time bonding with the baby(ies) because they don't feel them. Jimmy wasn't real to my DH until he held his lifeless body. Still, he NEVER brings it up. I do. Then he tries to change the subject. I don't think you are in it alone, although it may feel that way. I just think men really feel like they must forget about it to heal. I've read in more than one place that men often have "relapses" of grief because they don't deal with it properly. Communication is the key. Sadly to say, my DH would probably have said the very same thing.
Ditto everyone else. My husband does not grieve our son the same way I do, because Gregory was an abstract idea to him. I think it scares him that I'm not 'over it' the way he is. I've explained to him that I carried our baby for 9 months, felt every hiccup and backflip, and I knew him differently. It's not less of a loss, it's just mourning the loss of a different type of relationship.
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