Pity The Fool!

I thought I would have so much to say.. but the truth is the more down I get, the less I want to talk or write about all of this. Lately I've been having a down time. I am on cycle day 22 and no sign of ovulation. So Sweet Cheeks and I just keep on trucking with the "must have sex" tonight mantra. It usually pertains to us sitting in bed saying "I guess we should do this now". It's really HOT! I hate baby making sex.

Last Friday I was at the top of my game in the role of the crazy wife. I was sick the week before with a tempature and nervous that it was screwing up my chance at ovulating.. I was miserable and without any hope. Cheeks came home to a weeping mess filled with feeling sorry for myself and shouts of I am never going to have a baby. It was beautiful really, I was a disgrace.

Well my darling, sweet, loving husband, told me to "get over myself and move on". He was ready, why wasn't I? Isn't that just the dearest thing you ever heard. At that moment I decided he was the worst person in the entire world. He thinks being positive will results in a baby. Oh and the internet is evil and I need to stop using it as the expert opinion on fertility. Let me tell you this didn't win him any points.

Sweet Cheeks is truly a wonderful person, anyone who knows him, could only describe him as such ( wait for my post on the saintliness of my husband and how bad he makes me look in the near future :), but when it comes to me and my emotional roller coaster, he just sucks in the sensitivity department. I wish he would do some research on what is going on with me, my body, our emotions. Because to him, I am not a reliable source. I feel as if I don't have a partner in all of this and its lonely.

I hate it that I feel I have no right to be sad or upset. Friends of ours are due in Feb., they had their own troubles and I am truly excited and happy for them. But I am sad for me. I look at her and her beautiful belly and think this should be me, I would be bigger, she is having her baby shower in Nov. and I think, that should be my baby shower. I still get things in the mail from signing up early on all of these pregnancy sites.. things that say "heading into your 8th month", I get more babysrus coupons... free samples of formula... it kills me. Yet my husband wants me to be happy and joyous and my old self. I am not normally a jealous person, but I want to have my baby shower, I want to talk about my baby, I want to wear cute maternity clothes. my husband calls this feeling sorry for myself. I do feel sorry for myself, but does this make me a bad person?

Obsessive.... Me?

I guess you can say I can get a bit obsessive over things... I usually try to keep it on the down low, but somehow I always get caught. When I was younger, I would develop these random crushes, which no one would ever know about. I would "obsess" say for a a year or so, without anyone being the wiser. When my crushes would finally be reveled to the teasing of my friends, my fixation would start to fade, as things would become to real and I would lose interest.

I can also obsess about my future... like say having a baby. I mentioned in previous posts that back in Feb. 05 Cheeks and I were taking the "let's see what happens" approach. And as for as the baby making was going, that is what we did. But this didn't stop me from obsessing about being pregnant, baby showers, play dates with my friends kids, the color of the nursery, what my child would look like... you name it, I already planned it out.

When I got pregnant I couldn't believe my "obsessions" would come to light. You see, I never really got want I wanted all those years ago. The crushes, were only crushes, NOTHING ever happened. And so to think I would have a big pregnant belly and get to open adorable gifts at my baby shower, have a child who would play with these kids I already adore so much, the half tangerine half cream color walls I imagined, and a baby with Cheeks' blue eyes and my dark hair, it was jut too good too be true.

Obsessing never really worked for me. But it still hasn't stopped me from thinking everyday about that baby with the blue eyes. I guess some people would call that hope, but I never really understood the difference.

No Baby 4 U!- Part 2 The Pregnancy That Wasn't

So I was pregnant and friggen excited. Though I played it cool. My fun loving, free spirited husband on the other hand was cautious to the point of pissing me off. When I got those two little pink lines,that change your life, the second line was pretty light. I tested at 14 DPO...not too early, but there was def. a line. Cheeks, well I think he expected it to be fluorescent or something, because he kinda didn't believe me. I had to go to peeonastick.com for him to give in a little. It was annoying.

We really didn't tell anyone. OK, that's a lie, the very next day I told by best friend, who was really the only one that knew we were even trying to get pregnant. She lives out in CA and I miss her terribly, she is a true sister to me. When she found out she cried, she was so happy. She is still single, but with a great boyfriend, and while she was living in NY, she wasn't really crazy about the idea of me becoming pregnant. She would always say "I am not ready for you to have babies"... but once I confided in her that we were trying, she was on board. She's been a great comfort to me and though she lives across the county, she will always remain the first person I tell anything too (unless Cheeks is in the room or something :) ) Anyway I think I got off the subject here... OK, back on. So we had a trip to Ireland planned to see the husband's grandma. The whole family was going and at that point I would be 9 weeks pregnant. So we decided to tell his parents on the trip, but before we left we felt we had to tell my parents first. My mom started making plans immediatly on when she would take off of work to be with me.. my dad, well my dad saw that Cheeks and I were a bit nervous. Cheeks thought we were jinxing ourselves by revealing this before the 12 week wait... so my dad was quiet. I knew he was excited, but I also saw he was nervous for us. In Ireland, the whole friggen country found out. We told Cheeks' parents and brother, who in turn told their entire family. I knew this would happen and I really didn't try to stop it. So at 9 weeks we told more people we would have liked. I felt safe though, especially because I was sick. .I mean I was the poster-child for morning sickness. I had big swollen boobs. I even bought those anti-nausea bracelets for our trip.

We had a Dr. visit the day before we left for Ireland. My Dr. wouldn't see you until 8 weeks, which after researching I found to be normal. Just a basic examination, they took some blood. My uterus was swollen, all that jazz. Said see you in 4 weeks...

So anyway back from Ireland. We were back 1 friggen night. That Monday night I saw some brown blood drip into the toilet. For weeks I would panic at the sign of anything wet coming out of me. But it was always all good. Well I was upset, but brown blood wasn't bad, right? As long as it isn't bright red. Went to work the next day still spotting off and on. I just couldn't relax. I went online "brown blood could be old blood" OK, but I also read messages from women who had brown blood, that turned red and miscarried... I called the Dr. and they had me come right in, which I appreciated. I didn't want Cheeks to leave work early, but we only have one car. So my mom came with me. The Dr. examined me and said it looked like old blood. She tried to hear the heart beat with the doppler, but since I have a tilted uterus, she thought it would be too difficult. So she sent me off to do an ultra sound.

Now I never had a vaginal ultrasound. YUCK. They were very slick, because they turned the screen away from me. The tech didn't' say a word, just typed away. My mom kept on trying to look and all she said she saw was a "black hole".

Well that black hole was my empty placenta... as there was no baby inside of me. At this point I still have m/s, big boobs... I didn't understand. The Dr. explained it was a blighted ovum, which is when the cell divides, it forms a functioning placenta, but the egg with the baby never develops. So I had a thriving placenta with nothing in it.

I was in such shock and I tried to rush out of there. Which was kinda embarrassing. I needed to have a D&C, since it didn't look like I would miscarriage the placenta anytime soon... So that's my story... Feels weird typing it out.

No Baby 4 You! - part one TTC

I am going to get right into the history of why I am here... The Miscarriage!

Sweet Cheeks or SC (that's the husband) and I decided we wanted to start trying way back in Feb. 2005. We decided to just go the "let's see what happens" way. Which just consisted of us not using any protection. I wound up getting laid off from my job in May and that put a stop to baby making... until Oct. (had a new job and wanted to make sure I was there for a bit before I got myself pregnant). Oct. started a new run, this time I was going with timing... we would just start having sex 10 days after my period and then have it every other day, until my period. As much as I love to have sex with my husband, every other day for 30 days= exhausted... So by Dec. I had done a ton of research. I knew about tempatures, I knew about cervical mucus, cervix softening.. I was set. I started taking my temp in Dec., I ovulated on day 47 with a 61 day cycle. I freaked!... This can't be right, all of those years I skipped my period... crap! I never put it together until I started TTC that I was skipping periods, I was ovulating late. Yikes. I hoped and prayed the next month would be better. And it was, a bit, ovulated day 24. OK I could live with day 24. So that's it, that's the day I ovulate... Dec. was a fluke.

Then March, OH what a month. Day 19 ovulation... and a BFP!.

Victory. I am ashamed to admit this, but along with the joy, I felt relief. I was siking myself out that I was going to have a problem, that I was so relieved that I was able to get pregnant. There was nothing wrong with me. My body is fine, I am fine... I wasn't going to have to worry. Getting pregnant is cake!

Who knew staying pregnant was going to be my problem!

What's the fun in Blogging?

This blog thing has really gotten to me. I probably need to go back to therapy, but I think this will be cheaper. I've read so many wonderful blogs by smart, funny, creative women who have taught me so much in so little time. I am afraid, I won't be as smart, definitely not that funny, and I'll have to work on the creative. But if I am the only one who reads this, I think I will get something out it... so I am excited to start this journey!

A note to anyone who does come across this babble, I can't spell and my grammar is poor. I was an English major in college. Which goes to show you that State Schools don't really give you the best education!

So here is my story.

I am 31 years old, married to a great guy, who makes me live in New Jersey ( I am a NYC kind of girl)

We've been trying to conceive our first child since October of 2005. We hit the jackpot in March, but miscarried with a blighted ovum at 10 weeks. I was devastated, still am devastated...

I wanted to start this blog as my TCC journey... with hope of it being more one day. The miscarriage really through me for a loop and though I feel I have a strong support system with friends and family, I just have a hard time opening up.

I am also extremely paranoid and think there is something wrong with me. I've had irregular period all of my life and until I started to try to have a baby really didn't understand my cycle at all. Now that I take temps, check mucus, pee on sticks.. I understand this... I ovulate very late, my cycles can be 36-60 days... all of the reading I've done says this ain't no good. So I feel I am in trouble here, but until I reach that one-year mark, no doctor wants to have anything to do with me. So I will come here to vent.. to tell stupid stories... to try to make sense of this whole thing.