Empty

The emptiness I am writing about it not about the twins. Empty can’t come close to what I feel. The emptiness I feel has to do with my relationship with God or lack there of… After the first miscarriage and finding out about the infertility, I still felt my relationship with God was intact. I had all of this crazy faith in him. At the hospital, even after I lost the first baby, I prayed and prayed and hoped and was positive. . My brother bought me a medal of the Virgin Mary and I obsessively clutched it for the 4 days between the losses. I begged and pleaded with God, Mary, my saintly grandmother. I’ve never been like that, I never pleaded and promised like I did that week. I lost one child and was begging that I could keep the second that this wouldn’t be all in vane. But once I got home, not pregnant anymore, with leaking painful boobs and utter despair, I did the one thing I thought I would never do. I cursed God. I said every fowl word I could think of. And like a crazy person who has watched too many stupid movies, I prayed to Satan, I would sell my soul for my babies to come back. Silly, huh? We had a simple service at my MIL’s church, where a nun and a priest said nice things, where our families cried, where they said some prayer about how God wants all the little children blah, blah, blah. I gave God the finger that day and on that day I stopped believing. It is too hard for me to think that God turned his back on me, that my grandmother didn’t listen, that I couldn’t get a miracle. If for some reason my faith is being tested, then I have failed miserably. So yes, I am empty. I’ve not only lost my dream, my girls, my hope, I lost a precious relationship, something that was important and special to me and it makes me feel empty