Can someone tell me how to feel?

I feel as I am having a battle with how I think I should feel and how I actually feel. I can’t really explain this well, so bare with me. I’ve been dreading December since the miscarriage. My due date is approaching and all I have to show for it will be a box of infertility drugs, 10 extra pounds of pure fat, and severe disappointment. I had so much expectations of what this month would be like. And Christmas… my favorite holiday, I honestly thought there would be a new baby. Well Dec. is here and I am dealing. I was prepared to be a full-fledged grinch. But I couldn’t’ do it. I am defiantly not at my jolliest, but I put my tree up, I’ve gone shopping, I’ve made New Year’s Eve plans. I am living a childless life. The kicker in all of this is Christmas Day I start my Lupron injections. Though I don’t expect crazy side effects or anything, I do know how extremely anxious the whole thing will make me. I had decided that Christmas Day, Sweet Cheeks and I would spend alone (or at least have an early night). Of course things never work out that way. Christmas eve is spent at my parent’s house, they invite my in-laws over and this is how it as been for the past few year. Christmas Day is always mix bag. My mother-in-law is a nurse and she has to work that day. Which means that my father-in-law, bother-in-law, and sister-in-law, will be taken in by friends. This year though, they are boycotting going to the friends and have decided they want to trek into NYC to be with my mother-in-law who works as a nurse for an elderly woman in a penthouse. But of course they expect Cheeks and I to go a long. Well I just can’t do it. I have to take a shot! I mean my first one. I am being a nerd about it, but it is all I will think about it. So my brilliant husband decides to invite his family to our house… Yes, my house. He said he would cook dinner. No he can’t cook. Which means I will cook dinner. As this long story gets longer, Christmas Day Dinner will be at my house with me doing the cooking, with not only his family, but my family as well (they live 20 minutes away, how can I not invite them). After I agreed to this, this huge revelation came to me. This is what I expected, 6 ½ month ago… we will all me at my house. Except so would our baby. I can’t believe I am having Christmas Day without having this baby with us. And I am the only one who puts this together. And the truth is I don’t know if I care because I should care or if I really care because this is a heartbreaking time for us on so many levels. I feel as if I can totally handle the Christmas Day and actually would prefer to stay at my house. But I should be distraught and completely unable to cope, no? Who knows maybe I will lose it. I just don’t understand how I can be in so much pain; yet just get on with things.
This is turning into a very long incoherent post, but I need to add a few items that are sort of on topic. I am getting on with things, which is obvious by the post above, by the 100 or so kid b-day parties and baby showers I go to, but every other person who tells me they are pregnant. So, the last week Cheeks and I were invited to a Christmas Party at a friends’ house where there would be lots of kids. The friends are extremely close with Cheeks’ brother. The party was on a Sunday. Cheeks didn’t want to go, Sunday = Football and he just wanted to sit home (he wound up having to paint my parents house so he couldn’t watch anyway… but I digress). So he told is brother, who knows about our troubles, that Squirt (yes me Squirt) couldn’t really handle being around all of these kids… what? The day before I was at another friend’s child’s b-day party with 50 little ones running and crawling and gurgling around. I survived that! He used our infertility and my feelings as an excuse not do something he didn’t want to do. I can tell you this much, I sure as hell know how I feel about this. I am PISSED!

Cycle Day 3

So I start the BCP tonight. Birth Control Pills and I don't have such great history. In fact the two times I've tried to go on them, I became so sick and kinda crazy.

I know they say you don't go crazy on these things, but I swear I did. Besides the constant nausea, they tended to make me really depressed. I remember one day having to get up and go to work and not wanting to... so much so I thought that jumping in front of the NJ Path Train would be a much nicer idea. I obviously didn't jump, as crazy as I am, I am definatly one of those, "I am too embarressed to lose it and jumping in front of a train might cause too much embarressing attention on myself" kinda girl, so I thought the better of it. Anway, what I think I am saying is that I have an unatural fear of the BCP and with all of the other stuff going on I am hoping that I don't cause massive express hour transit delays, by splattering myself accross the 7:08am Train to New York.

Cycle Day 1

After 50 long days, I am finally on cycle day 1. The labs at my clinic close down from 12/7 to sometime in Jan. If I didn’t get my period today, I would have to wait until my next period (which who knows when that would happen) to start. On Friday, I still had no period and went to the RE for some tests. They called that night to tell me I should expect my period in 8-10 days. This put me into hysterics… It meant I would have to wait months again. It was not a good night on Friday. They did tell me, “ you definitely ovulated, so that is good news”...Yeah ovulated on cycle day 40, with MF infertility… whoopy! But for once luck was on my side and today woke up with full fledge Aunt Flow and the first time in over a year, I was glad to see her.