Satisfaction Guaranteed

Just got back from a biz/fun trip to Vegas. It was nice distraction, as I only thought about IVF once an hour.. instead of every other minute. In truth is was a good trip. Though on Sunday, after I said goodbye to my BF who visited from San Diego, I got extremly sad. I aways do when we say our goodbyes, but there is def. a mix of having to go back to my infertile life and become yet all consumed with this.

Some good news from my last post. SC begged HR to get me on his insurance. So we are all good. Gave me a lot of relief. Though I still fear (and all day long) that this isn't going to work. I kept having nigtmares (while in Vegas) of me forgetting to do my injections, or being judged by my friends/family... I just wish we had a 100% guarantee on this. Nothing is going to make me feel better.

The Not So Good Signs

Last night I had my first of what will probably be many breakdowns. My day started off with a baby shower and talks of little babies all day long. This in fact didn’t bother me one bit, really. I was actually interested, because I was feeling hopeful. So I got through the day no problems really.
I had a financial plan for us… You see my insurance only covers $10k, which would be at least one cycle (but no the ICSI or the freezing). I am pretty sure my meds are covered through my pharmacy provider, so that is taken care of. But that is it. If this doesn’t work we are out of money. But here is where I felt we were in good shape; Sweet Cheeks’ insurance covers everything including 4 retrievals. Right now I am not on his insurance, but fortunately (or so I thought) Cheeks’ company was doing their open enrollment. I must have told him 10 times to make sure we didn’t miss this date. He must have told me 10 times the cutoff date was sometime in Nov. Well the cutoff date was 11/3, it is now 11/6. We are screwed. I was hysterical. This crap is hard enough as it is and to have to deal with the financial burden of this is going to kill us. So we can see how this one cycle goes and if it doesn’t work then we will have to wait until I can get on his insurance, which means having to wait until Jan. 2008 or taking out a loan (this is the option I want). Its like everything is against us. How many signs do we get before we wake up and realize it isn’t meant to be?

I just wanted some Clomed

Yes, everyone (or just me)! It’s official we are infertile. And guess what? It’s not even me.

We had our first appointment with a RE a few weeks back. We went over the basics, had an ultrasound (during my period, the most disgusting thing I have ever had to do). He noticed a Fibroid (which completely freaked me out), but after a saline sonogram and the wonderful HSG (which wasn’t so so bad), the fibroid is in no way a problem.

On Tues. we went back for our follow-up. We moved quickly with all of the tests. I knew my FSH # was 6, which from reading is nice and normal. So I really expected to hear “things look normal, let’s get you started on some Clomed”. The Dr. very professionally went over my results all normal. There was just something in the way he was presenting this info, like he was building up to something not good. Me, normal, just an irregular old cycle. But then he starts talking about sperm...Sperm problems… slow sperm, abnormal shapes… only 2% of my sweet, wonderful husbands sperm was normal. What? In my wildest nightmares, sperm issues didn’t even register. How did we get pregnant the first time? Only 2%, normal. I’ve been in true shock maybe one other time in my life (when I got engaged), the whole thing felt like a very bad dream. Looking over at Cheeks, he was calm, though I could have swore is eyes were getting a bit watery. The only good chance for us to get pregnant is IVF with ICSI. I swear, I just wanted some Clomed, maybe a little monitoring, IVF, never entered my mind for a minute. I can recall starting out getting pregnant, my thoughts being, I couldn’t do that to myself. Well I can say we are 100% moving ahead with it. We did talk a bit about adoption and sperm donors. The sperm donor thing, not going to happen. Though I want to be pregnant, I am not sure what that would do to my Sweet Cheeks. We recently got to experience how wonderful adoption can be, but the expense of it is way too much for us to take on right now. We are lucky to have good insurance and live in a state that offers up to 4 egg retrievals in our lifetime.

We cannot start the cycle until Jan, as the labs are closed in Dec. This bums be out, but like most of this shit, nothing I can really do about it.


How is the husband doing? Pretty damn good. I mean 90% of the time we joke about it. Not sure how funny I think this will be once I start sticking myself with needles. But right now it’s just a shock to us how unlucky this all feels. Cheeks has been rambling on a bit about Karma, and luck, and being a bad teenager… and I’ve gotten to be a supportive loving wife a bit, which is nice. But he is taking this whole thing very scientifically, with some guilt and humor, and very minor self-pity. He is pretty remarkable.

How am I doing? Well I am freaked, scared, excited, hopeful, pessimistic, mystified, ready, nervous.. should I go on? I really want this more then anything in the world, with the exception of wanting my husband. And I am glad that I truly know this now, not that I ever doubted this, but as the words “abnormal sperm” came out of the Dr. mouth, that is the only feeling I was 100% sure of.