Complaints about my loving husband

I had a complete melt down this weekend. To the point I was packing up my things and leaving my husband. Very dramatic. It all started with a fight about golf. He has spent one day out of the last 5 weekends doing something with friends. Golf, rafting, Nascar (not even a fan), Atlantic City, poker etc…This weekend he pulled golfing and fantasy football draft. He was supposed to spend the afternoon with me, between Golf and FF playing tennis and having lunch. But for some reason golf went late and he got home 3 hours later then promised with no time for the above. Now I want to be clear, I am not one of those wives who doesn’t let her husband do anything. He does everything he is asked. He is the one at every party, card game, after work activity, golf, boy’s night etc… He lacks for no male only company. But it’s been every Sat. night for 5 weeks and I’ve been sitting at home alone. He likes to tell me, “go out and hang with your friends”. My friends are the ones home with their kids. I have nowhere to go. My only childless friend lives across the country. I can’t handle a night with my parents (another fantastic option he likes to throw at me). The fight was pretty bad. I feel abandoned, not just by him physically not being around, but abandoned in the fact that his social life is back on track. As if nothing happened. As if he is the same old “childfree” guy he was before we lost the babies. And me, well it is not so much fun hanging out with my friends and their kids or my parents. I want to sulk at home alone. Well alone with my husband. And I have to face the very real fact, that I want him to suffer along side of me. I know it’s not fair, I know he knows it’s not fair (and calls me out on it). It is just how it is.

Of course I didn’t run away. We worked it out. I am sure he will spend at least next weekend with me (then it will start all over again, this I know to be true). I just want to socially be able to get back to normal. Look forward to my friendships instead of dreading them all.

Anyway one day I will stop sounding like a whiney ungrateful child. I can’t wait to write a happy post. Anyone know when that will happen?

No so happy post

Lately I just can’t deal. I’ve been in a super funk. Just when I think I’ve reached a milestone and just about ready to move on, the depression just hits me and knocks me out. I feel bad because Cheeks suffers the most when I get in this mood. I am feeling really hopeless, old, unhealthy, tired, alone, etc… I keep daydreaming about my little girls. I envision one dark haired (like me) a blondie (like the husband), the double stroller, the baby shower I didn’t get to have (which we were planning for last Sat.), all the cute little girl clothing that I wouldn’t be able to stop buying, the maternity dresses I didn’t get to wear. Its like it all comes back to me and it hurts so badly and nothing I could do can push in out of my mind. I would have been going on 33 weeks. Only a few weeks to go. The nursery would have been complete, every night the husband and I bonding over the preparations. The most exciting time of our lives, just gone. I feel I am left with nothing. I can’t stand who I am right now

So the Doctor says...

Had my appointment with the maternal fetal medicine docs for the consolation for pregnancy loss. Not sure I got much out of it. Basically the prognosis is incompetent cervix from multiple gestations… OK so now what? It could happen again; it might not happen again; try not to get pregnant with multiples (means me telling fertility docs, just one transfer, which will reduce my overall chance of pregnancy. I know they do this in Europe all the time; still I worry). I had a zillion questions, but this doctor would not let me get a word in. He is a talker; a brilliant and well-known doc in his field (cerclage, high-risk pregnancy). I don’t think he is an expert in pregnancy loss (per by OB, who sent me to him). There is a second opinion I could go and get, but I doubt my insurance will cover, then I fear offending this doctor, who I might need one day. Plus the fact my husband seems satisfied with the outcome.

There was one strange item. I have 2 genes of MTHFR (or as my best friend likes to call it the Mother Fuc*er gene). My OB and this doc don’t seem to think its is a big deal. They are both of the same opinion that this gene mutation is not a factor for me or is a serious factor in general. Though you do a Google search of it and it seems pretty damn serious. Blood Clots, inhibits break down of folic acid etc… Anyway just one more thing to worry about.

I also have this fibroid inside of me that in all of the exams didn’t seem like a problem for getting pregnant. But I wonder if it is a problem with the incompetent cervix. Of course I forgot to ask the doc this question. Google didn’t come up with anything on this. I am probably just creating my own strange theories. The incompetent cervix just seems so random.

My mother loves to tell me stories about how many people she knows (including Sharon Osborne) who have gotten “stitched up”. Doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t want to have to get stitched up. I want a nice normal pregnancy. I want to get pregnant on my own. For me, they were trying to save the second baby and truth be told they had it. My OB did a fantastic job of tying up the cord; the other doc who is one of the best in the country did an amazing job with the cerclage, and yet I still got an infection that pretty much killed twin B. She had pneumonia (isn’t that the crazies thing), an infection that could have come from the surgery or from inside of me. The ceclage made no difference at this point. So what makes me think if I need it again, it would save my next pregnancy?

Why is it so friggen hard from me to have a baby?
Saturday I had to go out and buy a birthday gift for one of husband’s friend’s kids (we get invited a zillion b-day parties a year). A little girl. We should have just done gift cards. But no, I had to go torture myself (and it was torture) getting her a little outfit. It hurt like hell. It really is so unfair.

Irish Promotion

So I got what my husband lovingly calls an “Irish Promotion”. Its when your get all of the responsibilities of a promotion, but none of the money or glory. I don’t know why he calls it an Irish Promotion, he’s Irish, and refers to everything that way.

My boss on the other hand got a real promotion and they are not replacing him. He is basically running the whole thing, which is pretty exciting for him and for me as well. Again a lot of friggen work, but also a lot of distractions. I went to Miami last week, gave a presentation etc… things I wouldn’t’ be able to do if I was still pregnant.

I often catch myself wondering what would of happened with my job if I was still pregnant and probably on bed rest at this moment. My boss would be screwed!!! Its like all of this crap happened for him. I know that is so crazy and of course not how he would ever think. But in a way he dodged a bullet. My maternity leave would have been a nightmare for him. It was a nightmare before he got promoted, I just don’t’ know how we would have prepared. My first Monday back at work he drops this on me. The timing was so perfect. I lose my babies, take a few weeks working at home, he gets promoted, I come back get all of his old job responsibilities, perfect timing! I am sick, I know.

Dinner with Friends

Tonight we are going to dinner some friends. I haven’t seen them since 3 days before everything went to hell, when she lent me her maternity clothes. I had just really popped (I was huge for 20 weeks). I am having a freak out! I just called Cheek’s and asked him if we could bail. He won’t let me. I can’t believe how anxious I am about this. Is it normal to feel like I am having an anxiety attack. Cause that is how I am feeling. I look like crap, I feel like crap, my mood is crap. I expect a crappy night. These are very good and close friends. What is wrong with me?

There's crying in baseball when you're with me!

Last night the husband and I went to The Met game. Cheeks is a fanatical sports fan, with baseball being his favorite. Looking around, there were lots of small children with their Father’s, clutching baseball mitts and wearing oversized hats on their heads. My heart broke in a million pieces for Cheeks. I could easily imagine him with our children, teaching them, getting excited with them and sharing his love for the sport. Realizing that our two girls were never going to experience their father in this moment killed me. I felt very sad for him.

As we were leaving the game, I asked Cheeks about it.

Me: Does seeing these kids with their dad’s make you sad?
Him: Nope.
Me: OK, what does make you sad (referring to our daughters here)?
Him: Carlos Beltran pulling a muscle and missing the next few games

OK, now many people have told me, that men take this stuff differently. With all that we went through, I’ve never talked to Cheeks about his feeling. He went straight into taking care of me mode, so his sadness and all of that got pushed aside. So here I am trying to give him a chance to share and I get nothing. I realize I sprung this on him, since I was “sad for him” it was probably all about me, but still...

Anyway we get into a “discussion” where he tells me he doesn’t really get sad about the twins. He was in the moment, but he moved on. Every once in awhile when crap doesn’t’ go right, he gets angry, but never gets sad. Here I was thinking that Cheeks and I were going through the same pain, me being a woman expressing things differently, him keeping it bottled up for my protection etc… But in reality my husband has truly moved on. I felt very alone in that moment. And I know people will say again, men are just different, but honestly, I just don’t think he is in any pain over this. Bitter maybe, worried about me, pissed off sometimes, but in general he has mourned and its over. I am not angry with him or anything like that, but I thought we were in this together. I now feel that it’s just me. I do realize in my “mind” that I will eventually get to the same place as him, I will have moved on (I so hate that phrase), but I just can’t see this happening for a very long time. And here my husband only 9 weeks later and Carlos Beltran is the only thing that makes him sad. Is he just a stronger person?

Oh, Hello Again

I think my period has finally showed up. Its weird. Not that I haven't bled at all in the lat 6 1/2 months, but it will feel weird going to the dr. and not saying LMP was 12/31.

My Best Friend

My best friend is closer to me then family. My husband likes to call her his second wife, but in reality she is more like my second husband. She has done more for me, that is ever required from friendship. A few years back she moved to San Diego and there was never a doubt in our minds that our friendship would never changed. And it hadn’t. She has been with me from the first miscarriage, IVF, and losing the twins. When I knew something was going wrong with the twins, she was the first person I called from the hospital. Though I asked her not to come, she was on a plane. I had lost the first baby that night, but she arrived the next day. She helped me shower, she was my advocate with the nurse (Cheeks and I tend to not like to bother people), she changed me, combed out my hair, called friends etc… I had gotten an infection around 11pm the night before giving birth to the second baby; my husband left the hospital in the middle of the night to pick her up from my house. I always wanted her to be in the room with me while I was giving birth, I never thought she would have to witness this. I was bleeding a lot; I mean clumps of blood clots. She cleaned up the mess. I threw up for houses and she held the ‘puke cup” for me.

In SD she met and fell for a navy officer. He is wonderful and I am so happy for her (even though now she won’t be coming home). The same time I found out I was pregnant, she found out that he was going on deployment to the Middle East for 6 months. She was having a very hard time with it. She isn’t exactly military wife material. But…we had the excitement of the babies (one of which would be her godchild) and I would be there for her. She had me to complain to, cry to, etc… Him leaving was definitely one of the hardest things she has had to go through, she was filled with fear and loneliness. So I had to step up and be there for her like she has been for me for so many years.

Here is the problem. I can’t do it. I screen her calls. I know she is mostly calling for me; she is still being this wonderful friend. I feel as if I am abandoning her (and unlike myself she doesn’t have a strong support system). She is the second most important person in the world to me and all I want to do is let her know how much I care, how grateful for all she had done. But the whole thing feels so draining to me. And to be clear, she is NOT putting anything on me, she isn’t asking me for anything, she isn’t leaning on me, she just wants to shoot the shit. Knowing her as I do, she has no expectations either. This is all me. I feel guilty, I feel as if I can never repay her, and mostly I feel as if she can see right through me. I guess that is the honest thing, I am so not myself and she knows it (my husband can’t even come close to her insight). It is so friggen unbelievable how this one crappy event has completely altered everything about myself and the relationships I value. UGH!